There are two kinds of mistakes people make.
One. Mistakes which can be forgiven.
Two. Mistakes which cannot be.
Instance of One. What some people did to me. Which is why they're forgivable. They've done nothing but wasted my time. I guess that's forgivable.
Instance of Two. I guess I made a big mistake, an unforgivable one, a hundred and ten days ago. A mistake that will leave me devoid of any trust in human beings for very long. I hope that somewhere sometime I regain that essential faith, that gives and sustains all life. I'm so ashamed that I can't even try apologizing to myself.
Some people learn it the 'hard way', I guess. And I'm one of them. But I want that faith and trust to come back to me. I wish I were gullible again. I don't like to be so paranoid and careful while dealing with people! I wish I could go back in time and banish some people and erase some events from my memory, just so that I make myself believe that human beings like this cannot, by very definition, exist. To make me believe that there are 'nice', genuine human beings as well. With character. Without pretense.
In a different, lighter and less whiny vein, it's astounding how all the things I've done in the last three months are so ludicrous.
9 comments:
You seem to be trying to get a message across to someone. Why spend so much effort on it, dude? Why wallow in the misery so much? It only has any appeal for so long. But then that's me. I detest heartbroken literature. It's too self-indulgent. Get some perspective, dude.
Absolutely not. No messages to anyone. Purely self-indulgent as you call it!
It's surprising that despite detesting such 'literature' (thank you, btw for classifying it as that) so much, you still read it.
So dame/dude, I think you need some perspective, not I.
I identify myself in your prose, which is extremely unusual for me.
Somehow, though, I can't shake the feeling that rejection/disappointment in these terms is a little overrated.
Sometimes we trust, sometimes we just think it's noise. And it's brought us this far, we've been fine. If we then start questioning those principles at THAT fundamental a level, cynicism of the ugly, undesirable variety is inevitable.
Keep trusting, it's what makes us human. If we CAN'T, we might as well all pack up and go home.
True, but this far, the journey has been way too bumpy, and one would want to repair and go on. But yeah, I suppose you just cannot let go that trust/faith. Might as well go on further bumping than stop here and stagnate.
Rejection/disappointment in these situations come only in bouts, especially when your emotions are exaggerated by an external agent, like alcohol.:)
what are these small-print-ludicrous things you've done?
hmm you seem to be missing the fact that someone betrayed your trust too...so if your mistake is unforgivable then so is theirs. i'd say that both mistakes are completely understandable, though i am not sure about the forgivable bit. i think i would think of it in the opposite way.
- bully
Ditty: Haha. They're mostly the same things which are in big print. But many more. Remember you said, there'll be a time when I'd look back and laugh at all this. It's already there.:)
Bully: No, I think theirs is forgivable. I consider myself much higher than any of them. They're not even humans!
I agree with the very first response. The amount of time and emotion you are investing in getting this message across to X,Y[and u r doing exactly that, as long as we r not kidding ourselves, we should at least agree on that point]-
Those ships have sailed, my friend.
sometimes u need these hard knocks in life, if only to make u realize how much stronger u can be.
Well, I still can't understand why the post can be not simply an expression of what I feel at the moment. A message for myself, that is. So that when I read this later in life in a similar position (God forbid, though - I can't imagine people getting sinking lower than this!), I realize that yes, I had such an experience once upon a time, and this is how I felt then.
And I'm surprised that for a post which I wrote when I was out of my wits, I got so many responses :)
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